Will He Bring Beauty From Ashes?

I’ve wondered for a week what I would say about this. I’ve contemplated not saying anything at all, but that wouldn’t be authentic to who I am. It also wouldn’t give the Lord glory to keep his blessings a secret, right?
But this is probably the hardest blog post that I’ve ever had to type.
January 31, almost exactly 3 months since my first miscarriage, I learned that I was pregnant again. At 5:30 in the morning I took a test and was SHOCKED to see that it said pregnant! I cried and for a moment I was so happy it was unspeakable. But just one moment later, I was the most scared that I’ve ever been. I looked at Joel and said “babe, I can’t lose this one.” He told me that he felt the same way and we were both struck with fear. The devil totally stole the happiness of that moment by reminding us of what we went through 3 months prior.
Instantly, I called the fertility institute and then my OB and we were monitored very closely over the next few weeks. Everything was right on track. Hormone levels were great! Ultrasounds showed the baby was growing perfectly. Things started to actually feel like this time was different and that we were FINALLY going to get to take home our blessing!
One of my favorite parts of this story is that my best friend had found out that she was pregnant just a month before me, so we got to be pregnant together! It was so much fun! We got to talk about all of the fun things to come and about how we would spend time together on our maternity leave from work. It was a dream.
Milestones were hit. I made it past the point of miscarriage last time and felt so confident that if I could make it to 8 weeks this time, that we would make it all the way.
Wednesday, February 26, I started spotting. When I tell you that fear gripped my body it was the scariest moment. I was shaking uncontrollably and without thinking twice, Joel and I hopped in the car to go to the emergency room. My friend, nurse, and ROCK, Brooke, greeted us there and took the best care of us. Ultrasound and labs came back normal and we were told to just take it easy and that people spot during pregnancies. But I knew deep down that this was the beginning of the end. In the time that I should have had rock solid faith, I felt fear and doubt. I put on a smile and tried to remain hopeful, but my body and mind knew that I was going to lose another baby.
A few days went by and I was preparing for my cousin’s wedding that weekend. Obviously, I was taking it easy and doing things from seated positions and trying to keep my mind busy. To keep the story short and not drag the pain out, I ended up losing the baby that weekend. The weekend that I had looked forward to for SO long was taken from me. I wasn’t able to give my Matron of Honor speech to my little cousin that I had dreamed about for years, although my brother stepped in and read it for me like a rockstar. I wasn’t able to dance and enjoy her reception because I was back at the hotel miscarrying. My mind was hurt probably more than my body was hurting.
Why was this happening again? How could God do this to me? After 5 years of infertility, how could he take away another baby? The questions and crying turned to anger. Now I wasn’t sad anymore, I was MAD. How could he allow this? What have I done to deserve this? For 5 years I had to learn HOW to get pregnant and now I have to figure out HOW to keep my babies?! He must not be a trustworthy God. He must not be as good as I previously believed. I begged Him to stop the pain. He must be trying to punish me or teach me a lesson. I told him I learned whatever lesson it was! After years of pain, growth, refinement, and our relationship growing closer, I felt like I had learned so much about myself and about who God is! What more was there to learn?
Monday morning I went for the ultrasound to confirm miscarriage, and it did just that. As soon as the empty image of my uterus appeared on the screen, Joel grabbed my hand but I felt nothing. I felt as empty as that picture. I felt numb. I went home feeling numb. No one could comfort me. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t sad. I was just, numb.

That night, Joel went back to work and it was the first time that I was alone. I was taking a bath and just enjoying alone time when Satan decided it was the perfect time to attack. Instantly, I started hearing “you flushed your baby down the toilet.” This was different for me because with my first miscarriage, I actually was able to see and hold the little baby and took it in to the doctors’ office. But this time, it all came out so fast, I wasn’t able to. That hurt me so much and Satan knew that accusing me would hurt me the most. It was so loud and so painful I started sobbing. Grief. It flooded over me like a wave and honestly, I thought it would be less painful to lay back in my tub and never come back up.
I got out of the tub and knew I needed to talk to someone that was going to put things into perspective for me through God’s word. God was the last person I wanted to talk to, but I also knew deep down that He was the only one that could take this pain away. I called my mother-in-law Lisa, and could barely get the words ” I flushed my baby” out before she said STOP. She told me that was from the enemy himself and she bound up that belief and sent it straight back to hell. Coming through that phone was a woman who has not only been through the pain of losing two of her own babies through miscarriage, but now she has lost her first two grandchildren. A woman that should have been as angry and hurt as I was, was encouraging me! She spoke truth. She spoke scripture. She reminded me that God is my Father, my dad, and he cares about me more than any human could ever possibly care about me. I sat on the other end of the phone just listening and crying. I knew that she was right but it took a while for my body to give in to what she was saying. I wanted so badly to keep that anger and scream about my pain because it felt better in the moment, than to accept that God was still good and that this was another blessing in disguise.
Since that night, I have been trying my hardest to find the blessing. Even when I didn’t feel like praying or doing my devotions in the morning, I forced myself to sit on my couch and open my bible. My head may not have been in it, but my heart knew that it was the ONLY way to heal. I was having a hard time. I was wrestling with God every single morning. On one hand I was praising Him for the things that I do have in my life and the fact that I can now hopefully conceive again, but on the other hand I was questioning His motives and His plan and doubting His goodness. I could see the blessings that seemed small at the time but I know are huge. I know that without a doubt, this journey has brought my husband and me closer than I have ever imagined. If you know me, you know how obsessed I am with Joel. We have the best relationship and I didn’t think we could get any closer…until now. Going through something like this together just brings you to another level of intimacy and I have seen strength in him like never before.
I know that this journey has brought my brother and I closer than ever before as well. My brother has always been a class-clown, goofball type. He never seems to let anything get to him. He brushes things off and doesn’t really get into deep intimate conversations. He is always super positive and just like my dad, is ready to move on quickly. Well, the night of the rehearsal dinner, Eddie sat down beside me as I was laying on a couch in the venue and he prayed over me for the first time ever. It was the most special moment to have him and Joel in that room and listening to my brother’s words. I will never forget it. So while there were blessings in disguise, I was still angry and my (our) loss was bigger than the blessings. I knew that this time, healing was going to take a lot longer.
I am still in the process of healing. Friends and family have been so gracious and kind. Coworkers have stopped to hug me, even when they didn’t have the words to say. Every word of encouragement has not gone to waste.
This Saturday I met a friend for coffee that encouraged me more than she will ever know, and I am still processing all that she told me. She encouraged me to continue writing my blogs, which is why I am sitting here now, and told me that my story will not only impact women in my community, but possibly women all over the world. To see someone go through what I have gone through and come out on the other side loving Jesus will bring glory to Him and further His kingdom. She encouraged me to stay the course. She said if I heard from God that he was going to do this, He was going to do this. God’s word is sealed in Heaven and it is DONE. It may not be on my timeline. It may not be how I pictured it. But it WILL come to fruition because God does not lie.
While I wish I could say that I remained faithful without doubt through this whole thing, I can’t. But I can tell you that healing is taking place and I am starting to open up and trust Him again. And maybe my story of healing after loss is what will inspire others to look to Jesus. To run to Him and not away from Him when things hurt. Maybe God will use my pain to bring beauty to someone else. God does not waste our pain and I know that something beautiful will come out of this, we need only to trust and believe.
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