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A Different Kind of Two Weeks

Writer's picture: Danielle CrawfordDanielle Crawford



A Different Kind of Two Weeks

It’s been 2 weeks since my miscarriage. Did I expect to feel more healed by now? I’m not exactly sure what I expected, but what I’m feeling, I did not. I’m hoping that by typing out what I’m feeling will help the healing process. After all, God already knows what I’m feeling, so spelling it out for Him isn’t going to hurt Him, but it may heal me. 

I saw the miracle happen. I saw it right in front of my eyes. I was so thankful and hopeful. Of course, when I first started bleeding I was terrified and devastated beyond belief, but I think I was still riding the excitement wave of hormones that I had been experiencing since the day we found out. A few days after the worst day of my life, I desperately clung to the miracle and the hope I had. God had shown me firsthand that my body can get pregnant! After so many years of prayer, and on the brink of starting IVF, He showed me that He was going to do this. He showed me my body was capable of conceiving. Amen! I had waited so long to see those 2 lines on a pregnancy test. He did it! I was beyond thankful that I didn’t see what was coming next.

My mom warned me of the stages of grief. I think she experienced all of them in one week. During week one, I had experienced sadness and joy. It was then that I realized that grief and joy could co-exist. I was so sad, but so hopeful and full of joy that I got to have life inside of me and I knew He was going to do it again! I was so focused on getting my life back on track and to continue doing what we did when we got pregnant. Enjoying life, running, not tracking my cycles, and focusing on our upcoming Disney trip.

But WHOA. Anger hit me. I swore to myself I would not allow myself to be angry with God who had just shown me a real life miracle. How could I be angry at God when the biggest miracle I had ever seen happened inside of MY body? But, it came anyway. It’s like satan is working overtime right now to get me to focus on sadness and what was taken from me, rather than the miracle and what was given to me. I keep asking myself why would God take my baby away? It’s easy to say, He gave me a glimmer of hope of what could be and what WILL be one day…but on the other hand why did He give me hope to just take it away?

My irrational brain cannot wrap my mind around the fact that my dreams finally came true and then were ripped away so suddenly. My rational brain tells me that God wanted to show me that He was going to do this miracle, and that it just wasn’t the time in history that my child should be born…yet.

I could go back and forth between the two all day long but at the end of the day, I know God is good. I know that He would not ever do anything to intentionally hurt me. I also know that bad things happen because we live in a fallen world. I know that God didn’t cause my miscarriage, but when I’m in the depths of anger and depression, He is the brunt of my blame. God, I’m so sorry.

I am in this weird space of trying to get my life back. To get back to that stress-free, care-free life I was living…yet I’m stressing about getting back to it! I want so badly to reclaim the stress-free, laissez faire attitude I had before conceiving, that it’s stressing me out! If I find myself angry, anxious, discontent, upset, or sad, I freak out because “how can I get pregnant with my body in this chaos?? I HAVE to calm down and be carefree or God won’t bless me again!” Gosh it sounds so dumb when I type it out, but that’s what goes through my brain! Stressing to not be stressed is by far the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I have been eating my feelings so I’ve probably put on 6 pounds, and that’s not good either because I was eating so healthy when I conceived.

I wish so badly that I could forget about what happened and pick up where I left off, but that’s not reality. It happened. I experienced heaven and hell in a 2 week time period. I never truly understood the devastation of miscarriage until now. Before now, I thought people that miscarried at least had a leg up on the rest of us infertile girls. At least they knew they could conceive, now they just had to work on keeping the pregnancy! That was at least one step ahead of those of us that couldn’t even conceive. But let me tell you, my perception has changed. This side of miscarriage sucks just as badly as infertility. Maybe even worse. My emotions were literally just rattled. My world was perfect and then gone. My hope was restored and depleted. I want a baby now more than I ever have in 4 and a half years. And I’m not supposed to stress over it…

Well, if you have read this far, thank you for sticking with my grief ridden story. I wish I could end this blog with a positive “God’s going to do it again” paragraph, but sometimes even the strongest christians feel defeated. Deep in my soul I know truth. I know satan is trying to deter me from my mission of helping other women through infertility by pointing them to Him. I know He’s trying to get me to blame God and to turn away from Him. I will never shut God out. I will choose to run to Him, eventually. But right now, I am allowing myself to experience this human emotion of anger and I will get past it, hopefully soon!

I used to experience a 2 week wait every month. This 2 weeks was different, and I’m ready for them to end.



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