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S*%T Or Get off the Pot

Writer's picture: Danielle CrawfordDanielle Crawford



S*%T OR GET OFF THE POT

Stay on this rock, or jump in?

S*%t or get off the pot.

That’s the only way to describe the exact moment that I’m in on this journey. Where I feel like I’ve landed after 4 years and 4 months of trying to conceive. At this weird fork in the road that I placed on myself.

I want to sidebar here and talk about why I feel a sense of urgency lately. First, my husband and I are 32 and almost 36. Turning 32 this summer just marked another year older and another year without a child. It wasn’t a celebration for me, it was completely the opposite. I was a young 28er when I started the journey to motherhood. I felt young and vibrant and now I just feel older, achy, tired, and RUSHED. Another reason I feel the sudden sense of urgency is starting school again. I teach Kindergarten and school just started back 2 weeks ago. I have been this group of kids’ teacher for one full week and I am already so in love with them that it was a lightbulb moment. If I can feel this much love towards these kids I just met, how much more love could I give to my own child? My love bucket is pouring over and I want to give it to a child that Joel and I create. Lastly, around this time every year the hustle is on to conceive because it lines up perfectly with the school year. I would be able to have my baby and then summer would follow so I would get to be home for an extra amount of time. Every teacher’s dream. Ok back to my story.

Last year was the year of treatments. Medicated cycles, hormone shots, IUI’s. When a few rounds of those failed, I felt like I needed to stop waiting and hoping and figure this out on my own. I was going to fix myself.

The last 8 months have been filled with trying to find answers through hours of research online and in books; grasping at anything that I thought would heal my body. Literally every 3 months trying something new because I just KNEW this diet/supplement/ovulation tracker was going to work. But they didn’t. Not yet anyway.

I started seeing a functional medicine doctor in May and have gone through many tests, which I’m actually still going through, and have been given a butt load of supplements to take which I’ve been on for about a month (when I can remember to take them). When I first started with him I felt SO hopeful because he has found so many issues in my body that could possibly be some reasons for infertility, like poor gut health, nutrient deficiencies, food sensitivities, adrenal fatigue, and inflammation, which ultimately lead to hormone imbalance. I was excited to finally have things to work on and to fix so that maybe my body would get it’s s*^t together.

It’s only been one month since starting the supplements and new diet protocol and I don’t feel like I have the mental capacity to keep going. I knew when I started that the healing journey would take months maybe even a year, but my aching heart and stress filled brain don’t feel like they can go on any longer. I am physically and emotionally tired worrying about my next meal, my next packet of 15 supplements, my lack of exercise and proper sleep, any harmful chemicals or xenoestrogens I’m exposed to, and how these are affecting my body. I am stressed about being to stressed. I haven’t felt like I can just be and live a carefree existence in a long time. I feel like happiness and contentment are distant memories. Why do people that eat fast food for every meal, smoke crack, burn candles, and use Gain detergent get pregnant but I can’t?

So I have come to this fork in my road. Well, it’s more like a 3 way stop and I have to choose a path. Do I continue down the road of natural healing and stay under the copious amounts of stress and worrying about every stupid little thing all while trying to trust the process? Do I start down the IVF path which will come with it’s own stresses like “where will we get the money?”, “how much work will I miss?”, “dang those shots are big”, and “what if it doesn’t work?” Or do we start looking into adoption (which also, “where would we get the money”?) so that I can just let my body be what it is, but then possibly never have a biological child that looks like Joel and me?

I’m either at the end or the beginning of my rope and I am searching HARD after what God wants for us. So if you wouldn’t mind joining us in prayer for the decision that we have to make, I would be so grateful.


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